Wonderfuse News

Breaking news: Not so hostile takeover

By Snaps and Tim · May 23, 2026 at 12:32 p.m. · Permalink

Retired Ranger Snaps and Tim here with a breaking news story: Camp Fourgoldenfingers is staging a not very hostile takeover of Camp Clusterphuck, and the war is going as follows:

Clusterphuck’s guardian, Ammy has abandoned the camp to pursue loving on at home cats, leaving them vulnerable. Sources tell Wonderfuse reporters.

So they have obviously enlisted mice.

In response, 4GF enlisted the giant local wood spiders. Obviously.

Megaman then called in the HEAVY mice (the light ones were sleeping) but, at latest check, the giant wood spiders are local rural Pennsylvanians and come armed.

We asked the local woodspiders what they had to say about this matter. They were quick to quote Shrek by saying "What are you doing in my swamp!?" but not due to the kerfuffle... They just really love the movie and wanted to celebrate it turning 25 this year.

What a great show of immediacy.

Sources now tell us the mice have not let the Shrek quotes deter them. "The information is still a little vague, but it looks like there's some sort of web page has been setup, maybe by the mice..." https://1tn.org/mh

The photo provided shows a block of cheese on the path welcoming burners. G'dammit Jobson went on record saying "OMFG you won't believe this level of cover up"

And many wonder if the BOD is involved.

Well there ya have it folxs, stay tuned to Wonderfuse News for more developments on this story.

When we know, you know. Ya know?

Facts checked by Hiplomat. Quotes confirmed by Hiplomat.

Wild SPAM found growing in open camping

By ShellBell · May 23, 2026 at 12:30 p.m. · Permalink

Wild SPAM found growing in the forests of open camping today following Coal Creek’s mysteriously frequent rains. Chef and culinary visionary Atom Splambert plans to take advantage of this totally organic and locally sourced harvest. [Wondferfuse has not confirmed the local source claim.]

“I’ve been marinading the SPAM to add a bit of Glam to it. Rain or shine, I’ll be cooking it in a very unique out of the can way,” says the chef.

Rumor has it there’s a blowtorch involved.

Be the lookout for this delicacy from Chef Splambert’s roaming mobile kitchen on Sunday 1:00-3:00pm. Supplies limited by SPAM yields and the unpredictability of the harvest moon.

Or forage your own from the forest by open camping.
Story by shellBell

Facts checked by Hardhat. Quotes confirmed by Hardhat.

Mystery Liquer Takes Line By Storm

By Hardhat S. Thompson · May 23, 2026 at 11:14 a.m. · Permalink

The compelling attraction of grilled cheese offerd by Flaketown - despite a gruelling wait for an unkown level of sandwich - leads to long lines and restless Burners. Enter Atom Glambert and the dubious booze known as Mallort. You have to be able to wrap your head around seeing someone kneeling, having said mysterious booze poured into their upturned maw followed by, wait for it, a generous sprinkle of parmesan cheese. It should be noted that said mallort is pizza flavored. No shit. Like a baby bird receiving sustenance from its mother, but higher proof. Having seen various types of tortuous shots, including the infamous Tijuana head shake and the team spectacle of Shot Skis, this was untrodden ground. The reactions from this, ah, gift were varied. From mid disbelief to grimaces of horror, there were surprisingly few negative takes, and not a single spit take.

Never one to shrink from in-depth reporting, and in the spirt of Gonzo journalism, your intrepid correspondent dutifully knelt in front of Atom Glambert and received the Mallort Sacrament. A surprising, complicated and mildly troubling cascade of flavors followed, at the end of which was found a perfectly acceptable if not downright tasty libation. When asked by the benefactor of this gift for judgement - waited for with unwarranted level of interest by nearby spectators - the answer had to be "Two thumbs up".

When asked why the gift - or infliction depending on your experience - of this outlandish concoction of unsuspecting grilled cheese seekers, Atom Glambert replied "I saw a need and a captive audience. I don't even camp here."

Object lesson: don't be afraid to wait in line and blessings take many forms.

Facts checked by Hiplomat. Quotes confirmed by Hiplomat.

The Water Coming from the Sky is Rain

By Hiplomat · May 23, 2026 at 11:08 a.m. · Permalink

Saturday Morning Playa del Fuego burners woke up to a rapid pitter patter of water droplets hitting their tents. Many of them wondered how long it would last, and if it made sense to get out of the tent at all. The brave burners that did venture out of the warm cocoon of their sleeping bag were not surprised to find that the water droplets were indeed coming from the sky.

Sources familiar with the matter confirmed it was raining, and it would likely be a relentless downpour for the entire day. There was strong consensus among expert survivalist that effective way to manage the endless deluge of water originating from above is to bring extra socks, so you can sing it in and splash in the puddles.

Fear not. The stormy weather will not dampen the efforts of Wonderfuse News to get to the bottom of the wonder of the burn. Stay tuned for more live coverage, as we consult we top-tier meteorologists, poncho-enthusiasts and DJs with thematic playlists centering on rain.

Facts checked by Hiplomat.

You've got mail.

By Snaps · May 22, 2026 at 10:29 p.m. · Permalink

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE A PUZZLE BY MAIL???

I was today years old learning about this wonder. Sat down (through fb chat) with Atom Glambert to learn more about this sorcery. Along with the plethora of other mail goodies at Iris's Postal Portal.

"I started doing postal puzzles in 2020. I would spend hours and hours sketching and then painting a piece of paper that was letter sized-or 2 postcards. On the back, I would draw a dotted line down the middle. One side would have directions and the other would look like a postcard complete with a stamp and a spot for an address. I would then instruct the recipient of the letter to cut the artwork in half, mail the other half as a postcard to a friend that they would like to see again and then reunite the pieces of art when they felt safe to put the pieces back together. I even did a puzzle with four pieces that year. I mailed one to my grandmother, one to my mother, one to my sister and kept one. We have yet to put that puzzle together.
This is the third time that I am doing a series of the Burning Man 10 principles. Each individual artwork is 2 ft by 3 ft. They are then cut into 36 pieces and mailed to 36 individuals who will all be at the burn. The USPS had 3 weeks to deliver the mail to the recipients yet, at least five people have told me that they have not received theirs yet. This art project is now highlighting the demise of the United States Postal service and illustrating how it could impact voting rights."

MAIL FOR EVERYONE!
that is all.
🤘🏻

Facts checked by Hiplomat. Quotes confirmed by Wax.

Friday Night Dinner Rush Food Review

By Hiplomat · May 22, 2026 at 8:28 p.m. · Permalink

Wondering what to eat? Wonder no more.

Hundreds of burners with discerning tastes flocked to the playa for the dinner rush on Friday evening, likely the last dry moment of the event. They were hungry, but more than anything they wanted to stand in line. Perhaps the longest line could be found in front of Flaketown, where an estimated 300 burners were served grilled cheese buttered on both sides. Hannah, a young, hungry burner who had been waiting in line for approximately 30 minutes, looking longingly at grill confessed, “cheese makes me shit myself.” It became clear as another half an hour passed, that the burners weren’t just here for the food, they were here for the community. Comma Gee, who had also been standing in line for quite some time noted, “The grilled cheese is the vehicle for the social encounters I’m having along the way.”

Just a few steps away, another massive crowd formed outside of Ballsout Shelter, where an assembly line of apron-clad ,and sometimes only apron-clad chefs churned out more than one hundred pizzas. The standing-only dining experience and diverse menu was impressive given each pie was made to order. If you weren’t there to pick yours up, the DJ would stop the music and try to find you so it was very hard to accidentally forfeit the pizza you had waited waited in line for.
But the most outstanding meal of the night came from none-other than the world famous Chochin Obake, a popular food cart and now high-profile dining experience theme camp. Wonderfuse News received a credible tip that oysters would be served around 5 pm. While the first attempt to secure an oyster was not successful, another reporter tried about two hours later and was handed a fresh oyster with an exquisite and complex spicy citrus sauce.

Overall, the experience really has made this reporter wonder if you actually can eat this game.

Facts checked by Hiplomat. Quotes confirmed by Hiplomat.

Method knitting comes to PDF

By No · May 22, 2026 at 8:15 p.m. · Permalink

"You gotta be the soup" says Beau, the artist behind "Send Noods", an art installation at PDF consisting of a kiddie pool full of large, knitted ramen noodles. The artist claims that over 300,000 stitches were made to build the piece, taking the artist over six months of 40-hour knitting weeks.

The artist explained to Wonderfuse News that to deepen her connection to the piece, she ate only ramen noodles for the last six months. "My sodium must be through the roof", she said.

The artist has been telling her camp mates about the project for six months, including details on the soup-only diet. Friend and campmate Hoagie confirms the grueling process, and Beau's obsessive focus on bringing this project to completion. "Good job by you, Beau," Hoagie said.

Although the noodles in the installation look, feel, and in this reporter's opinion, taste like knitted udon noodles rather than knitted ramen, Wonderfuse News is more interested in stirring up fish cakes than trouble.

Facts checked by No. Quotes confirmed by No.

Tensions flare over commodification at the Burner Trading Post

By No · May 22, 2026 at 5:40 p.m. · Permalink

At the Burner Trading Post, some participants experienced insults and sore feelings after a dispute over the Burner Buck price of a used and damaged candle, which some witnesses described as "light corruption".

One PDFer, who spoke to Wonderfuse News reporters on condition of anonymity and was definitely not named Megan, claimed that the Burner Trading Post raised the price of the damaged candle in the course of negotiations, saying that the theme camp are "scammers and cannot be trusted."

One witness to the event, a completely different person named Megan, was shocked by the situation, saying, "Corruption has no place in a democratic society." Megan , who claims to be a professional candlemaker, said that the value of an elegant zen candle was directly undermined by dents and other damage, and should be worth fewer Burner Bucks. Megan's employment could not be verified by Wonderfuse News reporters at time of publication. Other PDFers expressed concern that volunteer hours at the event would earn up to 5 Burner Bucks, suggesting a systemic corruption that ties directly to the board.

Spokesperson for the Burner Trading Post, Jimmy "Big Iron" Calypso said that the Burner Trading Post was "providing a valuable public service" by upcycling things headed for the landfill. "We're doing a good thing."

The sentiment was shared by Fraggle, a Burner Trading Post customer who repaired the battery on a shitty desk lamp thing she acquired from the Burner Trading Post. "They have fun stuff for everyone", she told Wonderfuse News reporters while the BTP leadership looked on menacingly.

Burner Trading Post is responsible for printing and distributing Burner Bucks, and claim no official endorsement from the BOD or the broader PDF community. Instead, they see their mission as fighting the principle of Decommodification. "Down with Decommodification!" BTP organizer Zed told Wonderfuse News. "We're here to recommodify your burn."

Facts checked by No. Quotes confirmed by No.

Whooperwill provokes wonder at PDF

By Fury Road · May 22, 2026 at 2:07 p.m. · Permalink

A local population of whooperwills whose territory borders Coal Creek Ranch kept PDFers awake and pondering last night with its aggressive whooping calls. The brown bird, a member of the nightjar family, is known for its distinctive whooping call, which has traditionally portended death. But the bird lives here all the time, and we are encroaching on its territory. This intrusion and inter-species culture clash has led PDFers disagree on how to interpret the bird's intentions.

"He just wants to get laid," Terri the Medic told reporters for Wonderfuse. "Like most men," she added.

Embodying the principle of inclusion, Whipsers suggested "Let's call him D.J. Whip UR Will and love him." Whipsers imitated the call for Wonderfuse reporters and gestured rhythmically with her arms in the air to suggest that the bird was looking to get down on a dance floor.

Wonderfuse News reporters reached out to Sir Elton John for this story, who added in this Wonderfuse Exclusive: "I like living easy without family ties, till the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me right between the eyes."

Stay tuned to Wonderfuse News for the latest updates on this developing story

Facts checked by No. Quotes confirmed by No.

Bank of the Apocalypse and Playa Pharmacy Launch Wonderfuse News

By Hiplomat · May 22, 2026 at 9:23 a.m. · Permalink

The Bank of the Apocalypse and Playa Pharmacy announced a joint venture to establish Wonderfuse News as the world’s leading source of infodelic entertainment. The new media giant will deliver live coverage of the wonder of the burn collectively produced by the participants, who will be generously compensated in beads. In an official statement, the Editors in Bead, Hiplomat and No, emphasized, “Do not eat this game.”

Wonderfuse News enlisted Wax, famed former mayor of PDF, to build The Wonderliner, an online content management system for reporters to submit stories, information and photos. In response to critics’ concerns that using phones at burns can diminish immediacy, Wax stated, “I don’t like using my phone at burns as it very easily destroys immediacy… but it doesn’t have to! I want the Wonderliner to be the first of many playful and weird online spaces specifically made for the playa.”

A spokesperson for Wonderfuse News confirmed that The Daily Bead will run a physical 24/hour newsroom on playa, where you can consult with editors and other reporters to keep up to date on everything that is happening and what it means for the big picture, and anything else you might be wondering.

The question remains as to whether anyone can or will win the game. A burner familiar with the matter, speaking on conditions of anonymity, suggested the likely pathway would be by earning the most beads, of which there are at least five distinct types. There is also no consensus on which words were used to form a portmanteau for the name Wonderfuse News, however some reports mention it is both a noun and a verb.

Stay tuned for updates or join us and report on something you are wondering about.

Facts checked by Hiplomat. Quotes confirmed by Hiplomat.